I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
