he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
