I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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