Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
