The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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