Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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