How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
