my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
