you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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