(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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