Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You can't motorboat a personality
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
