I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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