I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
