I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
