you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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