i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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