You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize