if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
