My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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