he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Is Oprah even human
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
