i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
