I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
