I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
