I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
