I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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