The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
