Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
