I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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