the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
