You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
