woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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