I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
