just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
