Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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