I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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