I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
