he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
