I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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