His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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