I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Randomize
