I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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