Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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