That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
