Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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