It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
