He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
