I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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