I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
