And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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