I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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