bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
