You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
