I checked into jail on foursquare
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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