too bad you live with your parents still
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize