I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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