I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
