forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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