I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
my liver is dry heaving
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
